November 25, 2013
Dear Grandson,
I have two reasons for writing you a letter.
The first is rather simple: to send another letter with this one and explain what it is all about. The second reason is personal, between you and me: to convey some thoughts that I hope might help you navigate through the storm of being almost a sixteen year old. Let me start with the second objective.
It isn’t easy being almost sixteen years old. I remember. High School is now less an adventure, as it was last year, to just plain hard work. You have discovered girls, a good news/bad news life long dilemma. (They are just plain different than we are. Wonderful, but different, and challenging.) You are discovering social pressure, people trying to define how you should feel, what you should like, how you should measure yourself, your worth, and so forth and at your age this is nothing but a load of shit that you will tend to worry about almost every day. It is not always fun being almost sixteen years old, even under the most normal circumstances.
But you also have some challenges that are not present for everyone. Your mother and your father live in different households. This makes life hard for a kid. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. But, it is. Your mother loves you deeply. You have a father who adores you. For most of your life, you were about the only thing that really mattered to him. You were deeply bonded. Then, he fell in love, got married, linked up with a lady with two other kids, and a lot changed. Moreover, his wife, good person though she is, had difficulty establishing a relationship with you that worked for both of you. So, she has become a pain point in your life, rather than a joy. All of this adds up to a lot of pressure on you, and a lot of shit that confuses you and makes your days hard to navigate.
So I wanted to tell you about a few other things that might help you swim through these waters. The first is, I think you are an amazing kid. Listen, I have been around for a while. I saw your anger on display when you were six years old. I won’t detail the reasons why you were frequently angry. You know those. But I was amazed to see how you developed, how you overcame many obstacles.
You are a very smart guy with great gifts of intelligence. You are funny, when you want to be. You are hip – you get the world around you. You don’t suffer fools lightly (old expression), an attribute which you will modify as you grow, in order to get along with fools, because there are many in this world.
Your achievements in school are also absolutely terrific. There are many people who are very proud of you. Let me say it: I am proud of you. I am really happy I know you. You have so many assets to counter the challenges above: you are a good person, smart, handsome, healthy, driven to achieve, nice guy, funny – and a lot more. You have a chance to be very successful in your life. You have all of the tools.
The hardest challenge in life is to look at yourself and realize how good you are, how much you have going for yourself. When we lack confidence in ourselves, it kills us in life. Dylan, the big challenge is to evaluate yourself from the inside out, from your heart to the outside world. No other person determines your worth. You determine your worth. There are a lot of ass-holes out there who will tell you who you are and what you are worth. They are full of shit – even me, saying good things. You are the only one who gets to determine what you are worth.
The greatest thing about determining your own worth is that, once you have become accustomed to that, you can become comfortable helping other people do the same thing – by being a positive force in their lives, by telling them that they are good people. It is human nature that we all start by being centered on ourselves. But the key to a happy life is when you feel ok about being other people centered. The people who rule the world are the ones, most of the time, who listen, as much as they talk, who check in on other people’s needs, before they announce their own. This works with girls, and with guys. Here’s the secret. When you focus, first, on finding out the other guy’s needs you then put yourself in a much better position to fulfill your own needs. In this sense, being nice, listening, being other people centered is the best way in life to also get what you want. Isn’t that odd, that by focusing on other people you end up getting most everything that you want.
Why is this? It is true because when you focus in on what other people want you’ll discover that 80% of what they want is not in conflict with what you want. Then you can trade them (get something back from them) the 80% of what they want – which is not in conflict with you – for the things that you want that may be in conflict with their wants (the other 20%). This is just pure genius. But you cannot do this unless you ask them what they want before you declare your own wants. It is hard for young people to get this message. But, the ones who get it end up successful.
So, to build confidence, you might center yourself on God and who you are spiritually. It starts there. Then you center yourself on your health. Then you focus on your obligations, your life tasks – studies, work, etc – that must be achieved for you to advance in your life. Then you center yourself on what brings joy to you. Then you can start to center yourself on your family, because you know your own needs. Then you can focus on other people – the guys and gals that are becoming the most impactful people in your life. Now you are on the way to bringing some control into your life – to negotiating your way through life – and building a truly happy and fulfilling life for yourself.
If you take the time to really understand your needs and wants, it makes it easier to navigate the world. Your needs are what they are. They don’t need to be defended. Your mission in life is to find a balanced way to meet your needs while also being generous to other people, who may have different needs.
Dylan Bauman is a cool kid – a kid who is deserving of much praise and also respect – and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that!!
Now, on to the second subject, and I’ll make it short since I have already taken too much of your time.
I started writing letters to my California grandkids earlier this year as a way to bridge the distance and the small amount of time I get with them face to face. Recently, I wrote them a letter about two things: a book I have sent to them on the American Indians, and a description of some family history which ties back to the old west. I thought you might find the letter interesting. (I have enclosed the one I sent to Noah, Adam, and Lyla.) If you might want a copy of the book, I will get you one. (Actually, not sure that I might have already ordered you one.) So, text me, or write, or call if you want me to do that.
I hope you and your mom’s family have a great Thanksgiving. Nini Debi sends her love along with mine.
